I didn’t come this far, to only come this far

Well, here we go again.  IVF cycle # 4 in 2016. The last several months have been overwhelming to say the least.  I never thought we’d be starting “over” with another egg retrieval.  The whole reason we already did 3 was so that we’d have multiple embryos and be able to do more than 1 FET if needed…. but here we are again, so I’m not going to focus on what could have/should have been.  As hard as it’s been….. this says it all!
img_3496img_3572So what do you do the weekend before you start cycle #4?  Well… celebrate Friendsgiving of course!  I haven’t felt like leaving the house much lately… okay, the past few months really, but it’s important to Kurt that we do things and I don’t let myself get in too much of an emotional slump.  That’s definitely easy  to do during this process.  Cuddling up on the couch and watching Hallmark Christmas movies is the perfect opportunity to stay home too!  Luckily, we have DVR and I didn’t have to miss any last night 🙂  We went, saw some friends, and had a great time.  His mom even took our picture before we left,  (since we looked nice and all… 🙂 ) and I realized we don’t have many pictures together this year… certainly not of us out doing fun things we would normally do.  So Friendsgiving was a success and the perfect night out with friends to get my mind where I want it to be moving forward.  What better reason than Thanksgiving to remember that we are blessed, even when it seems the cards are stacked so highly against us at times.  I often try to speak in “me” terms and say “I” instead of “we” because I don’t want to speak FOR Kurt, but I think he’d agree on the things we are thankful for this year 🙂

We are healthy (with the exception of infertility).  We have family & friends whom we love and love us back… and support us always.  We have jobs that challenge us and keep us busy.  We have the opportunity to continue treatment– that’s a big one for us.  Many couples wouldn’t be able to do a 4th cycle simply because of financial reasons, especially in less than a year.  We are SO thankful we were able to purchase this insurance that helps us tremendously so that we can keep fighting this disease.  We have 2 dogs that love unconditionally and bring SO much joy to us.  Waking up to their silly faces, cuddles, and kisses every morning warms my heart.  And mostly… I know I am thankful because we have each other and someday we WILL have our baby.

There is this blog post I’ve seen before…I’ll post the link below.  It’s really a beautiful story and the woman is inspiring in her faith!  It’s about this little girl asking her mom why it took her so long to have a baby.  Here’s a small excerpt from her post.

–“I asked God for a baby over and over again. But He didn’t give me one for a long time. And when me and Daddy found out you were in my tummy, we were so happy!” I told her.

“Do you know why God took so long to give you a baby?” she said.

“No, honey,” I said. “I don’t know.”

“I know why,” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because…He was making me,” she said.

He was making me.

Why God Took So Long To Give Me A Baby

Wow! Right?  I may have cried thousands of tears in the past couple months alone, but I remembered reading that story once, so I googled, found, and read it. Without doubt, my heart was filled with a renewed sense of hope and suddenly I realized that every thing will be okay as long as we continue to trust God’s plan.  We have struggled, that’s obvious.  Maybe we were meant to be where we are now– we felt the pain of the unsuccessful transfer, but we also got to know the excitement that comes with telling our family and having a due date, even though we ultimately lost the pregnancy.  I like to think it’s all part of His plan… and He’s making our perfect baby right now.

It’s easy to see how infertility ruins marriages.  It’s not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.  I feel extremely lucky to have people to talk to so that I’m not bottling my emotions or taking my frustrations and feelings out on Kurt.  Plus, this blog helps me so much.  Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and continue with us on this journey.  We may not be where we want to be, but we’re certainly not giving up!  After all…. we didn’t come this far to ONLY come this far!  Our perfect baby is still waiting for us and though I know it doesn’t always work this way…. hopefully we’ll get to meet him/her around this time next year… if all goes as (newly) planned. 😉  We know our miracle is in the making and as long as we continue to believe that God’s plan is for us, then we will keep trying.  His plan for us will be revealed and it will be perfect.  Maybe just in time for a Christmas miracle:)  -W




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